Loving Detachment

Life and me
shared some incongruity
as in the tides of time
I lost a person who was more than mine..

That person was my heart
a person who was never apart
was snatched away from me
by the strange cycles of destiny..

True love for me now has a definition
It never has any condition

It should be free from attachment
And I never practiced loving detachment

So now I know the pain
Of loving , losing and getting drenched in a rain

In an unending rain
Of pain, pain and pain

So now I will try to love without any attachment
as true love is the universe's method of teaching detachment.

This poem is in the aftermath of Thani's sudden demise in 2008.Losing some you love is very very painful.Yet the love that is detached and unconditional becomes eternal. That is Thani's love for me :)

The dichotomy of life

Human mind & character are the most complex creations of the almighty.I know most of us behave differently depending on the surrounding and one's state of mind .Its like living as a different person with different people, giggling and being crazy with closest friends, being formal to colleagues,being open to parents,being mushy with sweetheart,being diplomatic while with intellectuals, being sarcastic with people we dont like and finally being brutal to people we hate.

And then there are moods, which sway us with them.These moods are like seasons which may stay for any duration but the times they stay , they change us.We are lost in them , oblivious to the world.Sometimes moods can reveal our blindside to us.

And then there are situations, our surroundings, which can leave a deep impact into our minds and conscience.Whether its a blind beggar on the street, or an enunch at the traffic signal or any little deed of kindness or humanity we see around can transform us.

I  lead two lives every Wednesday .From 10:30 am to 1 pm I am an English teacher to 6th graders at Gandhipura government school. From 1 pm to 7 pm I am an IT Fresher in a project helping my team  deliver better results to the clients.

Feels as if I belong to two different worlds. One world of well dressed sophisticated people in a tech park carrying smart phones and being a part of India's IT offering to the world.These people with ear phones plugged are so lost in themselves.And the other world of dusty classrooms having awesome minds, so eager to learn yet their lives are so driven by their surroundings, their livelihood.They cant plug in earphones and get away as they have to listen to the noises in the slums they live in.

I feel so elated to see their happy faces and loud  "Good Morning Miss " as I enter the classroom.The twinkle in their eyes when they learn a new English word to their eagerness to spell it first teaches me the lessons of enthusiasm in adversity.

Some children of the class are gifted, they are simply outstanding in their ability to analyze and respond.Then there are the lesser brighter ones who need more time and effort, but what remains common is  their love for knowledge and desire to acquire it.The great joy that they get when they solve any question is beyond words.Their wide smile when I give them a five star on their notebooks is inexplicable.

Then after an eventful session when I return to my office in International Tech Park, I see hordes of people moving in.With I Cards,smartphones and earphones.They also must have been enthusiastic about studying as small kids I wonder.

So after reaching a position where they can reach out, why are they putting their earphones on and listening to just themselves.But I am sure one day these kids will definitely rise up in life.Things will be better for them.And their happy voices will be heard, doesnt matter whether you put or dont put your earphones on.

Lost & Found

Lonely resilient times surround me always.Have always been pointed out as the "person with the thinking hat" because of my absent mindedness. The truth is like other human beings, I too wish to escape into a world where there are no worries and only happiness.Maybe my lovely childhood has made me like this, the love from my grandparents has made me believe that only good things can happen to us.

Yet the best part about happy memories or experiences is that you can always escape into them and feel that same thrill of happiness you felt.Whenever I feel lonely , very lonely I go back to a time when I am entering my home and my Thani welcomes me with her ever beautiful smile and I go and give her a warm hug. Some moments in life are truly worth living.

Unlike other children who used to have best friends from school or neighborhood, my best friends were my grand parents.We used to giggle our hearts out sleeping, me between Thani & Dadu.Our little secrets, smiles , laughter, jokes and the valuable pearls of wisdom which they bestowed on me are priceless.They taught me the meaning of love, unconditional love, the kind of love in which you dont keep a track of giving and taking. The love which is free from inhibitions and where you melt yourself to illuminate the life of others.

With Thani's demise and Dadu suffering from Parkinson's disease, my life without my best friends is very empty. My Thani's last words written in my diary months before her demise were "I hope and pray that you become the cherished loved one for every kind soul". In her last words also she prayed for me to  get love because maybe she was also aware of the huge void which was to be created after her going away.

This is the Valentine's week and unlike the fancy way in which it is projected with candles,baloons, cakes , pendants , cards and cupids, my idea of it was to wish my grandparents and to enjoy the giggled conversation that followed.

Five years have passed. My perspective towards life has become more realistic and pragmatic where bad things can also happen along with the good things. Where saying good things to people may make you sound like a flatterer  and where people can change their opinions and feelings for you any moment.

Yet in these times I am fortunate to get love from the unlikeliest of the places.Whether its the old couple at the tea stall or any kind soul, I have received love for which I shall be eternally grateful.People and situations have made me believe that miracles do exist.  

And no matter what I do I know a bright star in the sky is always guiding me towards being good and doing good. That bright star is my guardian angel , my Thani.

Between Mom & Aunt :P

Migrating from Cuttack to Bangalore has been a huge metamorphosing experience for me.Its like moving from a place of gentle breezes to a place where you dont have time to breathe :P For most part of my life I have stayed in a place where time flows like a meandering river & a sea of humans is something one notices only at Bali jatra.It is where old friends or acquaintances still happily stop by for a chit chat if they meet each other on the road, where having pizza,pasta,taco,nacho,grilled chicken,crushers,coffee  at Dominoes or KFC or CCD  etc is not the "it" thing when compared to Raghu or Trinatha's heavenly dahibara aludum.

It is where one doesnt have to dress up to look like a million dollar property to just roam for shopping :P It is a  place where still there are people who recognize you with an honest smile even if they dont know you. It is a place where kids know amoeba as a microbe and not as a bowling hub. Cuttack I feel has a soul in it, I am among the countless others who feel so. It has a warmth which enraptures you, nurtures you and finally leaves you craving for it when you fly away to far off places in the quest of glory.

Bangalore is a beautiful place too.But if one thinks of Cuttack as the warm & loving mother, then Bangalore is the stylish & trendy aunt who makes sure that you become confident & nonchalant just like her. It is a city where "IT" has engulfed people in "ITself" :P.

I have travelled in buses quite extensively in the last few years during my graduation. Sitting in overcrowded buses & noticing people around me has become a hobby.In odisha I have seen an element of camaraderie in buses.Whether it be a collective abuse to driver/conductor or "mausi tike side hela" or countless such moments where one cant help but smile.

Due to all this noise, I remember tugging in my earphones to get away from it .I wondered why people couldnt do away with all that chit chat during bus travels.And now here I am in Bangalore. Going to my office in International Tech Park, I see many people like me travelling in AC Volvo buses.

Smart, well dressed IT professionals..raring to go! All of them have the typical corporate look.Suave,nonchalant and subtle expressions, not concerned about what's going on around,too engrossed in today's schedule and too busy to look at anyone leave alone starting a conversation.I think there is a notion  that if they smile or laugh, it'll create wrinkles on their face and moreover destroy the "Corporate" air surrounding them.

 I feel the difference..here the bus is quiet yet people have ear phones tugged in.And  I realize  that there is a moment in life when one does miss some happy noises in a crowded bus too !

Memoirs of ILP @ Trivandrum : Landing at Trivandrum

There is one peculiar thing about flight journeys for people with middle class ethos like me, that is when we are about to travel by flight..we are all excited & charged up & the moment we step into it we are bored like hell.The reason being the beautiful landscape speeding by, all the camaraderie, friendly aunties & uncles, chatpati chole, key ring vendors and lot more such elements which make our journeys in bus & trains worthwhile are all missing in a flight journey. Flight journeys have a lot of sophistication in them i feel, they require you to sit quietly or whisper slowly, smile gently at your copassenger, read a good english novel, ask the air hostess whether mousse or salad with mexican dressing is available or not and in rare occassions looking outside the window to see the huge white clouds floating sthealthily.

This Flight to Trivandrum was a bit different. It was like time travel travel for me. Sitting in the middle seat, I began contemplating. I wonder how people fall into depression & even commit suicides just out of loneliness coz one can never feel lonely when there is so much self talk to be done.My mind travelled back to childhood,my grandparents,my parents.I remembered their eyes tearful yet hopeful that I would do well in my new phase of life.My friends were moving about the plane sometimes, there were 10 of us.

Our flight had to be changed at Hyderabad & the Hyderabad airport took my breath away. After security checkin we landed up at the airport lounge which had all those awesome international brand shops which lesser mortals like me were blandly unaware of. There were mochi shoes, swarvorski crystals, handicrafts and a score of food outlets. Seeing the price there, 10 of us ordered 5 hyderabadi biriyanis :P sharing & caring ! We also promised to come back once we became rich & famous :P

We also caught a glimpse of Ajay Devgan.He was walking so casually that I & my friend swati took a minute to comprehend if it was actually him. By the time we realised & ran to meet him, he had already gone for boarding.

So finally we were on our way to Trivandrum. It was a tender evening with the crimson hued sky.Then all of a sudden somebody exclaimed "Oh what a sight! " We all looked through the window to see the beautiful Kerala coast with golden sands, blue green sea & coconut trees dancing as if they were welcoming us to their land. Some sights take one's breath away and this was one such sight. The passengers were all taking photos & there was an air of happiness.So this is it! Finally we are in Kerala :)

Our flight landed and we moved to the baggage collection conveyor belt.Trivandrum airport is very small, its like a cinema hall or something. Over excited i caught hold of a blue suitcase in the conveyor and put it on my trolley.My friends were taking time to come & i was getting restless."Please hurry up! We need to get to the guest house as soon as possible" I was blurting.

There is a moment of intution that each one of us goes through.I looked at the suitcase again..my moment had arrived. It was not my suitcase.

That moment i felt dizzy..about to vomit..my suitcase!Where is it?? Why was I in such a hurry?? My mom had warned me of this..It had everything I needed... even money.Some how i gathered courage & looked around.

There was a single blue suitcase moving on the conveyor.There was a very worried uncle gaping towards the conveyor. God had saved me from my apocalypse. I went to him and apologised for exchanging our luggage. He smiled and said "Its fine amma! Just be careful in future ".

Taking my suitcase I moved towards the airport exit.The warm sultry sea winds welcomed me. So I am in kerala for my Initial Learning Programme :) And my learning has already begun from the airport I pondered.

Memoirs of ILP @ Trivandrum : Before the journey

There is a strange hidden beauty in life. Whenever we have a memorable phase in life, its effect & impression on our minds & hearts becomes more deeper as time passes.One of the most awesome phase of my life was my Initial Learning Programme (ILP) at Trivandrum. The ILP is nothing but the baby steps one takes before entering the great organisation of Tata Consultancy Services (TCS)--Naam toh suna hoga ! 

I was having mixed feelings to get Trivandrum as  my ILP location. Happy because I had always wanted to experience Kerala & this was my opportunity. Sad because most of my close friends got Hyderabad as their ILP location. Wearing my thinking hat, i pondered whether this ILP could be my road towards self exploration.

1st October was fast approaching & so was my shopping, packing, eating delicacies, getting pampered by near and dear ones. Being the only child of my parents, the thought of staying away from them was killing me. I remember how I used to hug them , go through the old family photos, roam on my terrace, play with spoty & make her sit on my lap for a long time realising that I wont get these moments after few weeks. 

It was a mini Kal Ho Naa Ho movie for me. I realised that indeed we take for granted a lot of things in life & when the race against time begins, we feel we should have spent a little more time on this & that. Unfortunately my grandfather had an accident that time & seeing him in pain made me very weak emotionally. All my relatives were visiting us that time wishing for dadu's speedy recovery on one hand & extending their best wishes to me for my new phase of life.

TCS requires a lot of documents during joining & I remember my father's smile shuttling between his office at Bhubaneshwar to Orissa High Court to Gazzetted Officers to checking for dadu's plaster & medicines with the local pharmacist. There is a line from a TV show called Parvarish which says parents do what not for their children unconditionally and this we should always keep in our mind. Baba is a strict disciplinarian & one of his principles is to get up early. During this phase I saw him being liberal with me on this.He was far more patient with me. Maybe in this leniency he was hiding his pain.

My mom made all my favourite dishes inspite of being in so much stress. I remember her hugging me when I used to be in bed in the morning, her fasts & special pujas for my well being.& last but not the least my dadu.Being away from him pained me the most. He is suffering from Parkinson's syndrome which runs in our family. I remember him wiping my tears & kissing my forehead when I was hugging him after his plaster.

My heart goes out to my uncles, aunts, neighbors & friends who took the effort of meeting me & showering me with love & gifts :P So with all this I was on my way to the airport. I met  my friends who were coming with me to Trivandrum. Seeing them brought in me a thrill to go. We discussed about our documents with each other. As most of us were unfamiliar with flights we discussed about the process of boarding :P

All this while my parents had tearful eyes. I went to them & hugged them. There are some embraces which make you warm no matter what. Assuring them that I would do my best I moved towards check in.All our parents were waving to us till our final boarding from the airport lounge.

We boarded the flight & it took off to Trivandrum. Later my mom said that after we boarded, all the parents went to the window on the first floor of Bbsr airport to catch a glimpse of our flight. With tearful eyes all of them had a similar feeling in their hearts " Our little birds are now going to fly away from our nests"

The most beautiful love story :)

Life & love share a symbiotic relationship. The topic of love is very close to my heart right from childhood. I had a fairytale childhood, loved by everyone & cared & comforted by my dear grandparents who taught me the meaning of love.

Thani & dadu are the epitome of unconditional love for me. I consider myself very lucky to have been close to them & feeling the love they have for each other.Just like the good old romantic classics , thani & dadu had an arranged marriage which later transformed into the love lasting a lifetime.

You may have read in books that "for everyone you might be someone in the world but for someone you are the world". Thani & dadu found a world in each other. Their love was so pure & unconditional that it was reflected in them at every moment. Dadu has been in love with thani unconditionally..right from his playful indulgence in whatever thani did, to complementing her on her looks, to flirting with her , to wanting to be there with her every moment. Thani's love for dadu is also beyond words. The fond memories of me sleeping in between both of them & chatting till late hours & three of us giggling are still fresh in my mind. 

Whenever my parents would go out, three of us would have a gala time. We would order dosa from a local shop, switch on some slow bengali songs & play ludo.Dadu would come to his true self then, teasing Thani with playful words & it felt like heaven for me. Thani used to giggle shyly & i used to make them hold hands just in case they had minor disagreements on things. I know the song dadu had sung for thani during a moonlit night at puri beach describing her smile. These intimate details which they have shared with me are priceless treasures now.

Once i asked Dadu, which was the best achievement of his life. He replied with a smile saying " Your thani is the most beautiful woman for me & i am lucky that she married me".They exchanged letters during 1955-1958 when dadu had stay at cuttack & Thani at the village. Thani used to say how her father in law, my great grandfather used to get annoyed at the frequent letters suggesting that the cost of letters would be equal to the monthly grocery. Both of them would ignore it & continue as their love was vivacious just as it was in their 50th year of togetherness in 2005.

Their love has grown each moment since they have been together. The respect & faith they had in their relationship was nurtured with their unconditional affection for each other.I always wanted to get those letters from Thani, but she would tell me "Me & Dadu would gift it to you when time comes ".

Thani's sad demise in 2008 came as a rude shock to me.Till now i am unable to accept it & i dont think i can ever accept it. Dadu is suffering from Parkison syndrome & his memory does not contain the fact of Thani's absence. Earlier he used to enquire everyone about Thani's whereabouts but slowly it has decreased. He asks me sometimes "How is Thani? She should be here taking care of me..Where is she now?" To which smile and put his hand on his heart and say "Thani is right here now and forever".

PS: On my recent visit to my village after my graduation i found an old box containing 137 letter from 1955 to 1958. My graduation gift from my dear grandparents :)